What can happen within a week...

3 days until Christmas, and it still hasn’t hit me…I know in my mind that it is almost Christmas, but it for sure doesn’t feel like it in my heart. I have noticed that there is just something different about Christmas here. It just isn’t the same. They have Christmas trees, but they are all plastic. They have some lights, but nothing compared to what we have back home. They have some decorations in the malls. There are lights covering the palm trees and huge plastic presents, and Santas, and candy canes brightening up the main square in the city. But there is just something different about it. I have been sitting here for the last 15 minutes typing and deleting, because there is no way to describe it really. Its so different. Back home it’s a time for family, friends, resting, and celebrating Christ’s birth! That includes sleeping in and waking up to fresh snow, going skiing or snowshoeing with your friends, coming home to the smell of simmering cranby/apple cider, eating dinner with the family and playing a card game together afterwards. It’s a time to relax, celebrate, rejuvenate, and commemorate. Here in the city, everything just keeps going like normal. Ya, on Christmas eve and day, everyone gets together with family and celebrates. And then normal life starts when your foot steps out the door from Christmas dinner. I don’t really know yet, (since it hasn’t happened yet…) but thats what it seams like it will be. Christmas here is more of a hassle than a time to relax. Everyone is stressed with buying gifts and putting on that outside appearance of joy. It just seams somewhat fake to me. I guess we have that exact same thing in America. Its not Christmas in the USA that I miss, cus that is pretty similar to what we have here, I miss Christmas at my Home, at 1016 Mulligan St. Fraser, CO 80442. I miss the smell, the snow, the family, the food, the cold, the emphasis on Jesus Christ, and just everything about Christmas. How I wish I could be home…

Wow that all sounds like a bunch of random thoughts piled into a heap of letters. All I know is that I wish I could be home for this Christmas season. But as my wise and sometimes very convicting brother Luke told me, ‘Hope, you are in Brasil, look for the good things, and don’t dwell on all the bad’. Its true, its very true. So that’s what I am going to try to do, Thanks Luke.

Well other then that this last week and a half has been filled with some of the very best and very worst days that I have had so far here in Brasil. It started out with going to a small farm out in the country, horse back riding, swimming at night, breathing fresh air, and eating mango picked from a tree in the back yard. It was one of the best weekends ever, and then I came back to the city. There was already an uneasy feeling in my host family due to a huge fight the night before between my host dad and brother (which I still don’t understand what really happened…) and then I just got so fed up with the city. I was trying to listen to some music and couldn’t hear it because of the loud honking outside my window. I slammed it shut and just got so mad! Well throughout the next two days I got ridiculously discouraged with everything. I haven’t had much to do and I felt like I was wasting my life. Like I was a 12 year old again without responsibility, without being able to make my own choices, just sitting at home playing video games and watching TV. I was wasting my time and I got so fed up! I couldn’t live like that any more. I need purpose, meaning, responsibility in life. That lead to thinking about how I could actually be productive back home by getting a job, studying for clep-tests, helping with Doulos etc. (I wrote about that in my last blog) This has been an on-going thing, but this last Sunday-Tuesday is when it all built up and exploded. I was sick of Brasil, of the city, of the language, of life, of who I was, of what I was getting accomplished. I was sick of feeling alone, and like I don’t belong. Those few days I cried, and I cried a lot. I talked with my parents and was ready to pack my bags to go home. I thought, prayed, and cried so much. I was honestly thinking of how to pack my bags to go home. I don’t know how to explain it. How I felt here. All I know is that my whole being, everything inside of me wanted to go home. I didn’t think I was going to be able to stand it anymore here. I actually talked to my Rotary about coming home for Christmas, which they didn’t let me do. There are not words to describe the feelings, the loneliness, the longing to go home. I was almost packing my bags. Well the night I found out that I could not come home for Christmas, my friend Morgan came over to sleep at my house. We talked about everything and she is going through some of the same things as me just on a lesser scale of intensity. It helped just to talk with her. There is something comforting about talking with someone who understands you and is going through the same thing. Well it was good and convicting at the same time. She helped me realize how I haven’t really been pursuing what I should be pursuing. I say I am sick of having nothing to do, but I don’t look for things to do. Ya I try one time, and then when it doesn’t work out perfectly, I let it go. I wedge my foot into the door, but when it starts to press on my foot, instead of pushing it open, I pulled my foot out. I start to pursue, until it calls for me get really out of my comfort zone. Its hard to pursue people, opportunities, activities in a foreign country where you don’t speak the language fluently. But that is no excuse and I took the victim attitude. I was waiting for my perfect Brazilian life to fall into my lap. I was wanting to make mud pie without getting my hands dirty. Well after all those realizations and a lot of praying and journaling, I set out to have something to do every day. To make myself get involved, to pursue, to get out of my comfort zone, pick up my but and take the initiative. Cuz if I don’t, I will waste the rest of my time here, and I. Will. Not. Do. That.

Well the rest of my week and weekend was full of activities. Things have been getting so much better. I have actually been really happy and I have had a spirit of joy and excitement for the rest of my time here. It’s amazing because I would not feel like this if it wasn’t for my Best Friend, Comforter, Helper, King, Leader, and Daddy Jesus Christ. I don’t know what I would do without Him. He has given me a spirit o Joy. He IS my strength, He IS my wisdom, He IS my purpose, He IS my joy, He IS my reason, He IS my endurance, He IS my everything. I can honestly say for one of the first times in my life that I truly love my God and Savoir Jesus Christ. I am not ashamed of Him. Through the hardest times I have ever had, is the time when I truly learn to Love God. I want to talk about Him, I want others to know Him like I do. I don’t want it to sound like I am bragging, because I wouldn’t love Him, if He never loved me first. I wouldn’t see His value, if He didn’t value me first. I wouldn’t know Him without Him giving me the capability to know Him in the first place. Wow, God is great. He is so good. I know that even through the crappiest times, I can rest and I can thank God that HE has it all on control and that everything works to the good for those who love Him! I know that He has a plan, a purpose, and I can totally rest in that. I will therefore, live my life for Him, because He gave me life and the ability to live it abundantly!

Well that was a lot…and a lot of it was just me rambling, not knowing how to describe everything. To sum it up, it has been a interesting week. One full of despair, conviction, motivation, joy, and thanks giving. One full of a good, loving and consistent God. One full of messing up by trying to do it by my power, and rising again on wings like eagles, through HIS power.