Highs and Lows and In-Betweens

Where to start, this last week has been full of, well, everything!

Last week, I skipped both Monday and Friday school. I slept in a little more and then hung out/cooked/cleaned/ran errands with Iza. It really was great. I love Iza so much. She has this simplicity about her. She is crazy and fun like my friends back home. And she loves to just listen to me talk about CO and show her photos. So I love skipping school and just hanging with her. I love my friends at school, but honestly, school is so boring! Sometimes we have something exciting going on, but for the most part, school for me consists of sitting and sitting and sitting. I don’t have books, I don’t take tests, I don’t do anything there. Not that exciting… Tomorrow I am also going to skip school, but that is because I am going to a Portuguese class in the morning at 8:30 and believe it or not, I cannot be in two places at once. So, tomorrow, I am free!

Well I’ve had my days recently that were just really crappy. Such as the night of Tuesday the 16th. I tried to make peanut butter cookies again, and they just turned out horrible. That set me off, and then I went into a ragging hormonal frenzy of feeling fat and that I was a worthless cook and that it was all because of Brasil and I needed to just go back home. It was irrational, and frankly, very childish. The next morning was the same, but then in the afternoon I felt a lot better. The week of the 15th was for sure up and down.

That is only the beginning of this roller coaster learning process. Saturday night the 20th untill Tuesday the 23rd was a non-stop test and growth period. 9:30 p.m. Iza arrived at home and we set off together to spend the night at her cousin’s house on the other side of the city. We caught a buss, listened to music and talked about cell phones and other random things until we arrived there 45 minutes later. João, one of Iza’s friends met us there to walk with us to the house. It was pretty close, about one km away. When we arrived I saw the reality of many many many Brazilians. We entered a rusty door plastered against the cement wall, walked up the cement stairs and set our things down in a house that was literally the size of my bed room in my house back in CO. The white walls of the house had cracks and I could see some mold there. There was one queen sized bed (that me and Iza and her two friends slept on) and a small crib for the young son (three people lived in this tinny place!). The kitchen consisted of a tinny TV and boom box, a table the size of my dresser, food cabinets the size my bathroom cabinets back home, a faucet made of BPC pipe that sprayed water everywhere when turned on, and a gas stove. The bathroom was separate and shared with the other “apartments” that were there. It was small and had a toilet in the back and a shower head with the heater inside of it on the ceiling above the middle of the bathroom. There was no separate place to take a shower. It was like a shower with toilet inside; everything got drenched. Furthermore, the stench was horrible and the floor was dirty and slimy. The door was a bunch of planks of wood nailed together. It was hard and very sobering to see how people live with so little, and realize how many people live with even less. But that night was one of the best. I learned how to dance a Brazilian dance and laughed until I cried. They were simple people, living with almost nothing material, but they had a lot of love and laughter. Its something I cannot really describe. Its one of those things you just have to experience. I knew about people who lived like that. But it never registered until I spent one night living their lives. I realize how much I take the things I have for granted. God has blessed me with so much! SO MUCH! I cannot even comprehend it and I am overcome with joy with the thought of it.

Well, when we came back home Sunday afternoon I went to church again with my friends. It was interesting. I had a strange feeling about what was going on. There was some “spiritual” music playing and then people just randomly dancing. The dancing didn’t have any meaning, it was just something to look at while listening. And quite honestly, it wasn’t that great either. But the thing that really disturbed me was how loudly the crowed cheered and clapped after each song. I got the sense of this fake praise. It wasn’t a praise for God, it was a praise for the mediocre (at best) dancers. First of all, they were praising the creation, and praising its non-excellence. Two strikes. During that time I became desperately lonely and homesick. I especially missed my church back home. Everything here is so uncertain, it gets a little old after a while. I just wanted something that I knew was right, I knew was sound and good and I could trust. I consciously thought these exact words, “I don’t belong here, I am not suppose to be here.” As I came home very depressed, I decided to check my email one more time before I went to bed. I saw an email from one of my best friends. It was a short note sharing some thoughts on how he thought God was trying to teach me. He shared a Bible verse with me and then said these exact words, “don’t get discouraged, you are right where you are suppose to be. So live life, and live it abundantly! There is nothing that you can not do or overcome!”. It was totally a God thing, cuz that was the one thing I needed to hear at the point in time. I realized how the Devil had gotten a hold in my heart through my homesickness. But I know that God wants me to be here. I know that I am living in His will and I will not believe the lies of the Devil. Well the next day was still hard. I was again desperately homesick all day. After my friend (the Christian one I go to church with) said some things about CO I just got flat out mad and played the victim. I then partly jokingly (but mostyl seriously) fought with her. I said how I hated how they made fun of CO and didn’t appreciate where I came from, how I hated it when she assumed things about my friends and how she doesn’t know them etc. We were yelling at each other in the middle of class and most everyone was looking at us. After my childish outburst, I just covered my heard with my jacket and sat there. A little while later I pulled my chair up to hers and we actually talked about it. As best as we could at least, with my still not great Portuguese. I explained how lonely I felt and I didn’t appreciate some of the things they had done. And how the Devil had been pulling me down. She reminded me that the Devil has no power over my life, and that I am never alone because God is always with me. She said I should never feel alone again because she was always there for me. I appreciate her so much, even though I have been hurt by her the most. However, she can never understand the kind of loneliness that I experience here. Its not a loneliness because of lack of people. I am always surrounded by people. Its different. It’s a loneliness in culture, in mindset, in life. Their lives are here. What they know and have always known is here. Mine isn’t and that will always separate us somewhat. Well, after another very immature and self-centered day, I prayed a lot, slept well and started new on Tuesday. God has given me a great peace and contentment the last two days. I thank Him so much for that. But I know now that even when I am having those times where I am all alone all I want in the whole wide world is just to go home, God is with me in everything, He has blessed me so much, and I can give thanks in those times because I know through them I will fall more and more in love with my God and Savoir, my Father and Friend, my Comforter and Strength, Jesus Christ.

We learn through a lot more then school

Well, I have officially finished one and a half months of school and not learned a thing. Last Friday, my school work consisted of letting all my friends draw things all over my arms. It was quite amusing.

Last weekend I went to my friend Polly’s sitio (a resorty, farmy, getaway place) with a bunch of kids from school! We all piled into an old, really old, VW van Saturday morning and took off. I didn’t think we were going to make it up a couple of the hills that we had to climb. Well, it took about an hour to get to this place. Wow, it was beautiful too! It sat outside the city and had lakes and nature and had many of these sitios inside of it. It is kinda like a combination of a resort and a secured neighborhood. Anyways, when we got there we sat by the pool and soaked in the sun, then jumped into the very cold and refreshing water! We ate lots of food (especially brigadero. Wow that stuff is good. Its like a mixture between caramel and chocolate. I am definitely going to make it for everyone when I get back home!). I went on a run with Lorran while the others walked behind us. It was a great weekend, except for how lonely I felt. The people here are great, but I continue to struggle with not being able to talk. I want to be so much more involved. In the planning, in the leading, in the carrying out, in the knowing of what is happening. I feel sometimes like the little sister dragged along, who doesn’t understand anything, just goes with the flow. Its like I have no voice, no opinion, no say in things. I know that’s not totally true, the people here do try to include me as much as possible, but there still is a gap, and that won’t be closed until I learn the language. However, I can certainly tell that I am getting much better at Portuguese! I can understand so much more and actually hold simple conversations with people.

One exciting point that proves my progress in Portuguese (ah, alliteration!) is that Sunday the 7th I thought my first thought in Portuguese without consciously thinking it was Portuguese (wow that is confusing. Anyways…). It was a very simple three work phrase. I was putting things into my purse and thinking to myself, “Eu preciso isso, Eu não preciso isso…” (I need this, I don’t need this…) But it was my first! And I am proud of it! (now I cannot wait until my first dream in Portuguese!)

Well I’ve had my good days, where I laughed so hard that I cried, and I’ve had my bad days, when the only thing I want to do is go back home. Living here is a great experience and I am so glad I get this opportunity, but there is a lot of struggle as well. I have been hurt a little by how unreceptive some of the people are to my heritage and culture. I have a couple times tried to show them small parts of my culture (such as making peanut butter cookies, which they have never had here….). I didn’t know, until now, how much it would mean to someone living abroad to share some of their home with the people around them. Its like I want to show them as much as I can, but in return they want to change it into something Brazilian. It has been hard, I feel like the people here just expect me to disown my “Americaness” and fully embrace everything Brazilian as my own. I know they are not trying to put down my country or make me feel bad, so I try not to take it personally. But I don’t think anyone here can truly understand how much it means to me to share part of where I come from with them unless they have also been in a place like I am at. Its something that I cannot even explain. I have a certain pride that I want to spread across my friends as well. And they are telling me they don’t like it and giving me something else that they say is better. So this has been hard and I would greatly appreciate prayer that I would be understanding and not take this personally. Because I know they are proud of their country too.


Well I also have my good days! Like yesterday! Yesterday I went with Iza (the maid, she is super cool! I love hanging out with her!) and my sister Livia to Pamphula! It is this beautiful lake that we walked partly around. We stopped to take lots of random pictures too! It was super fun. Then I went with my friends Jessica and her boyfriend Lorran and two of their friends to this place called Minerão. Wow it was so awesome! There are no words to describe what happened there! Well I guess I should tell you what it is first. Minerão is the second largest futebol (soccer) stadium here in Brasil. And boy, do people get excited about their soccer! Its so crazy! There are seats, but they are never used, except for standing on. There are military men with German shepherd dogs surrounding the field. People were either cheering or booing the whole time. It was crazy. Such an experience! I loved it and I cannot wait to go again! The team I was cheering for ended up loosing 0-1. Sad…but it wasn’t that big of a deal to me…I’m not fanatical about it like the rest of the 60,000 people that were there. Haha.

Well this post is kinda scattered with lots of random things. Sorry for the “unflowiness” of it. But I hope you still enjoyed it. Please leave comments I love hearing from you guys! I want to know that people are actually reading this! Thanks so much.

Until next time,

Tchau

-Hope

p.s. I have discovered how much English uses the verb “get” try to count someday how many times you use this verb. Its crazy cuz here they don’t use “get” like we do. Its hard cuz I have to actually use other verbs… haha =)

Ramdom post

Ok! So its almost been 10 days since i've posted! I'm really sorry its taken me this long. But i'm pretty busy and tomorrow i have no time, so monday i will write a full post for everyone to read! thanks!

Communication, more then just words

Birthday parties here are so different then in America. My little host brother, Eduardo, just turned ten. We had a party for him last Saturday. It wasn’t just his friends, rather his friends and their whole families. There was literally at least one person from every present generation at this party. It was so much fun! I love hanging out with the adults because they like to talk to me, and its funny to try and talk with them. The difficulty of talking is multiplied at party however. It is hard to filter out the other noises and other conversations and just focus on one sound wave. But none the less, I had a great time, ate lots of chocolate and fried little appetizer things filled with chicken and cheese! (I forgot what they are called. But if there is a party, those little guys are there). However, I also can sympathize with the introvert a little better now. It is very draining to be at a party around a lot of people and trying to talk with them. My brain hurt and I was dead tired by the end. I am starting to understand the very unfamiliar world of intravertism.

I also experienced a Brasilian thunder storm (more like a hurricane) last weekend. Boy does is storm here! It may not rain very often (At least not during this part of the year) but when it does, it rains hard! The huge drops, which were more like marbles then water drops, cut through the air and drenched everything. The wind swished loose material through the streets and twisted tree branches. The thunder shook buildings and the lightning was blinding! I LOVED IT. Haha it was frightening, but there is something about thunderstorms that I love.

God has also continued to teach me. The phrase “actions speak louder than words” has a whole new meaning to me now. I’ve been thinking a lot recently about communication. What it is, what it entails, how I use it, how I should use it, and so on. Communication, I realized, for humans is like what a race horse is for a jockey, or a sharp knife for a prep cook, or a hammer for a builder. Because of my lack of Portuguese skills, I’ve been struggling with the idea of how to communicate Jesus to those around me without saying anything. Through this process I have come to see how communication is so much more then just words. I have realized that I am not limited because of my lack of speech rather the order of normal communication has been switched for me. Instead of starting with words that lead to actions, I have to start with actions that lead to words. I cannot have the easy way out like I did back home where I knew the language. I see how much I used to say about what the world needs and what we need to do about it. But much of it was merely philosophy that I never put into practice. Well here I have to start at the other side. I have to start with showing them what needs to be done. I have to start living how I say we need to live. This, however, is incredibly hard. And I have fallen many times. I have not been the example that I should have. However, God has reassured me with His words in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”. I know that God works even in my failures and my weakness, but also that He wants me to “be holy, for I the LORD your God am holy.” (Leviticus 19:2). I see that through these things, I can communicated Jesus to the dyeing world around me. While verbal normally comes before behavior, I must walk it now, and talk it later. I understand now how important the “doing” part of communication is. I knew it before, but now I truly am starting to understand. I think it is a big problem within Christianity today. Saying what needs to be done, but doing nothing about it. We can say we have faith in the Lord, but where are the works to show it? Just like is says in James 2
“What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him? If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, and one of you says to them, “Depart in peace, be warmed and filled,” but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. But someone will say, “You have faith, and I have works.” Show me your faith without your works, and I will show you my faith by my works. You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe—and tremble! But do you want to know, O foolish man, that faith without works is dead? Was not Abraham our father justified by works when he offered Isaac his son on the altar? Do you see that faith was working together with his works, and by works faith was made perfect?”
1 John 3:17-18
“But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.”


What are your actions communicating to the world?