What can happen within a week...

3 days until Christmas, and it still hasn’t hit me…I know in my mind that it is almost Christmas, but it for sure doesn’t feel like it in my heart. I have noticed that there is just something different about Christmas here. It just isn’t the same. They have Christmas trees, but they are all plastic. They have some lights, but nothing compared to what we have back home. They have some decorations in the malls. There are lights covering the palm trees and huge plastic presents, and Santas, and candy canes brightening up the main square in the city. But there is just something different about it. I have been sitting here for the last 15 minutes typing and deleting, because there is no way to describe it really. Its so different. Back home it’s a time for family, friends, resting, and celebrating Christ’s birth! That includes sleeping in and waking up to fresh snow, going skiing or snowshoeing with your friends, coming home to the smell of simmering cranby/apple cider, eating dinner with the family and playing a card game together afterwards. It’s a time to relax, celebrate, rejuvenate, and commemorate. Here in the city, everything just keeps going like normal. Ya, on Christmas eve and day, everyone gets together with family and celebrates. And then normal life starts when your foot steps out the door from Christmas dinner. I don’t really know yet, (since it hasn’t happened yet…) but thats what it seams like it will be. Christmas here is more of a hassle than a time to relax. Everyone is stressed with buying gifts and putting on that outside appearance of joy. It just seams somewhat fake to me. I guess we have that exact same thing in America. Its not Christmas in the USA that I miss, cus that is pretty similar to what we have here, I miss Christmas at my Home, at 1016 Mulligan St. Fraser, CO 80442. I miss the smell, the snow, the family, the food, the cold, the emphasis on Jesus Christ, and just everything about Christmas. How I wish I could be home…

Wow that all sounds like a bunch of random thoughts piled into a heap of letters. All I know is that I wish I could be home for this Christmas season. But as my wise and sometimes very convicting brother Luke told me, ‘Hope, you are in Brasil, look for the good things, and don’t dwell on all the bad’. Its true, its very true. So that’s what I am going to try to do, Thanks Luke.

Well other then that this last week and a half has been filled with some of the very best and very worst days that I have had so far here in Brasil. It started out with going to a small farm out in the country, horse back riding, swimming at night, breathing fresh air, and eating mango picked from a tree in the back yard. It was one of the best weekends ever, and then I came back to the city. There was already an uneasy feeling in my host family due to a huge fight the night before between my host dad and brother (which I still don’t understand what really happened…) and then I just got so fed up with the city. I was trying to listen to some music and couldn’t hear it because of the loud honking outside my window. I slammed it shut and just got so mad! Well throughout the next two days I got ridiculously discouraged with everything. I haven’t had much to do and I felt like I was wasting my life. Like I was a 12 year old again without responsibility, without being able to make my own choices, just sitting at home playing video games and watching TV. I was wasting my time and I got so fed up! I couldn’t live like that any more. I need purpose, meaning, responsibility in life. That lead to thinking about how I could actually be productive back home by getting a job, studying for clep-tests, helping with Doulos etc. (I wrote about that in my last blog) This has been an on-going thing, but this last Sunday-Tuesday is when it all built up and exploded. I was sick of Brasil, of the city, of the language, of life, of who I was, of what I was getting accomplished. I was sick of feeling alone, and like I don’t belong. Those few days I cried, and I cried a lot. I talked with my parents and was ready to pack my bags to go home. I thought, prayed, and cried so much. I was honestly thinking of how to pack my bags to go home. I don’t know how to explain it. How I felt here. All I know is that my whole being, everything inside of me wanted to go home. I didn’t think I was going to be able to stand it anymore here. I actually talked to my Rotary about coming home for Christmas, which they didn’t let me do. There are not words to describe the feelings, the loneliness, the longing to go home. I was almost packing my bags. Well the night I found out that I could not come home for Christmas, my friend Morgan came over to sleep at my house. We talked about everything and she is going through some of the same things as me just on a lesser scale of intensity. It helped just to talk with her. There is something comforting about talking with someone who understands you and is going through the same thing. Well it was good and convicting at the same time. She helped me realize how I haven’t really been pursuing what I should be pursuing. I say I am sick of having nothing to do, but I don’t look for things to do. Ya I try one time, and then when it doesn’t work out perfectly, I let it go. I wedge my foot into the door, but when it starts to press on my foot, instead of pushing it open, I pulled my foot out. I start to pursue, until it calls for me get really out of my comfort zone. Its hard to pursue people, opportunities, activities in a foreign country where you don’t speak the language fluently. But that is no excuse and I took the victim attitude. I was waiting for my perfect Brazilian life to fall into my lap. I was wanting to make mud pie without getting my hands dirty. Well after all those realizations and a lot of praying and journaling, I set out to have something to do every day. To make myself get involved, to pursue, to get out of my comfort zone, pick up my but and take the initiative. Cuz if I don’t, I will waste the rest of my time here, and I. Will. Not. Do. That.

Well the rest of my week and weekend was full of activities. Things have been getting so much better. I have actually been really happy and I have had a spirit of joy and excitement for the rest of my time here. It’s amazing because I would not feel like this if it wasn’t for my Best Friend, Comforter, Helper, King, Leader, and Daddy Jesus Christ. I don’t know what I would do without Him. He has given me a spirit o Joy. He IS my strength, He IS my wisdom, He IS my purpose, He IS my joy, He IS my reason, He IS my endurance, He IS my everything. I can honestly say for one of the first times in my life that I truly love my God and Savoir Jesus Christ. I am not ashamed of Him. Through the hardest times I have ever had, is the time when I truly learn to Love God. I want to talk about Him, I want others to know Him like I do. I don’t want it to sound like I am bragging, because I wouldn’t love Him, if He never loved me first. I wouldn’t see His value, if He didn’t value me first. I wouldn’t know Him without Him giving me the capability to know Him in the first place. Wow, God is great. He is so good. I know that even through the crappiest times, I can rest and I can thank God that HE has it all on control and that everything works to the good for those who love Him! I know that He has a plan, a purpose, and I can totally rest in that. I will therefore, live my life for Him, because He gave me life and the ability to live it abundantly!

Well that was a lot…and a lot of it was just me rambling, not knowing how to describe everything. To sum it up, it has been a interesting week. One full of despair, conviction, motivation, joy, and thanks giving. One full of a good, loving and consistent God. One full of messing up by trying to do it by my power, and rising again on wings like eagles, through HIS power.

In spite of the questions

These last two weeks have been a little harder for me. It’s a combination of things really. It started mainly around Thanks Giving time. I think one of the hardest things is that back home, this is a season to gather family and friends and have great times over big turkey diners. It’s a season to give thanks and Celebrate the birth of Christ. It’s a season of Festivities, and this year, I am missing all of that. To be sure, I will have parties here with my host family etc, its just not the same. I still doesn’t register in my mind that I am going to have Christmas in 90 degrees weather! The Christmas decorations for sure do not combine with the huge flowers and palm trees…

I also feel that sometimes I am wasting my time away here. I feel like a lazy 10 year old. I don’t always have a lot of things to do and sometimes I just stay at home and play video games and watch TV with my host brothers. While I have had some great times with my host brothers, I also feel like I need to be doing something with my life. I am getting out more for sure, and I actually just started making a list of things to do every day and started studying Chemistry online so that will help. (I felt like I am loosing all my memorization and learning skills! So I need to study something, and I need to get caught up on Chemistry anyways.) The hardest thing is that as I am growing and becoming more mature and experiencing life, I am more restricted and have less responsibility. I feel very tied down here at times. Since I am living with a Brazilian family here, I have to abide by their rules. Sometimes I ask myself, “Why did I put myself into a position with less responsibility and freedom then I have had for the last 2 years?” Don’t get my wrong, I like my host family, a lot, its just hard to be living under thier authority when I want to be living on my own and making my own decisions. As a result of that, I have been thinking how I could be doing so many better things back home. I could be studying and taking Clep-Tests to get ahead for college, I could be working and making money, I could be working with the service group Doulos again, and of course, I could be home. Well, this has for sure been the hardest thing that I have been dealing with since I’ve been here. I have cried more tears over this then anything here. The thing is, I have no doubt in my mind that this is the place God wants me to be. I know He has a purpose for me here, but sometimes I don’t know what that is. Many times, I feel like I don’t belong here. So I ask, “Then why am I here?”. But in spite of all the questions, I know with all my heart that God is good, and that He knows what He is doing. Being a Christian doesn’t mean that everywhere I go will be fun and happy. I refuse to by into the fake, smile plastered Christianity. We worship Him through the easy times and the hard ones. Sometimes God puts us in situations where we feel lonely, where we feel like we don’t belong, where we feel like the only thing in the world is to go back home. And while I don’t always know His purpose in that, I know He has one. “And I know that all works out to the good for those who love Him.” This doesn’t mean that I forget my worries, and everything is happy again. This is tiring, exhausting at times. Things aren’t always happy, and fun, and easy, but at least I know its good. While I don’t know all the answers, I know He does, and I can trust Him. Please pray for continual strength and perseverance.

On a lighter note, I went with my friend Verena and her two host siblings to go ice skating in one of the malls here. When we got there, the ice rink was really small, choppy and covered in slush. And it was really expensive. Verena and I look at each other and said, we can do this back home for free on glass smooth ice…haha it was funny. But we had a good time just talking as her two siblings went ice skating.

I have also been spending a lot more time with Morgan here. I would ask for you to continue to pray for her. We have been reading through the book of John together. She is so close to accepting Jesus Christ, it makes me so excited! She is such a wonderful friend too.

Well this weekend I am going to a Sitio (small farm type place) with my host family and Verena. They have horses and we are going to go horse back riding! I am SOO excited for that! It will be so great! I am excited to just get away from the city and everything here and get into the country and just have some good family time there.

Oh, last week end I got to go to church two times! I went on Sat night with my friend Alberto (a Brazilian that I met in Winter Park last year. He lives here in the same city I am living in. He was working at Devil’s Thumb Ranch last year). So that was really great. And then I went Sunday morning to another church on my own. They were both very different, but I like them a lot. It was exciting because at the Sat night service, I could understand almost everything the preacher was saying! I am for sure going back there. I really enjoyed it.

Well, that’s about it. Thanks for reading, and please leave comments ☺ I love reading what you guys write. Until next time,

-Hope

More than just Turkey

Last Friday night I finally went to Church! It was a youth group type thing. I went by myself, took a buss and walked in not knowing what the expect. I thought to myself before I arrived, “no matter what it is like, I am the one who needs to pursue the people there. I cannot and will not take on the victim attitude.” When I arrived, the youth pastor and his wife greeted me and I talked with them for a while. They were so great, very friendly and introduced me to the people there. During the sermon, I could understand the gist of what he was saying, but could not understand it all. That was a little discouraging just because it again reminded me that I am not fluent, and I still have a ways to go. Well, afterwards a bunch of the girls came up to me and started talked with me. One girl, named Jessica, was an exchange student last year to Germany and we talked for a while. Everyone said my Portuguese was great and they were all astounded that I could hold conversations. So that was encouraging about the language. After, the pastor and his wife brought me home and invited me to come more and join in on other things too. I am going to start going to church there on Sunday mornings (at least as many as I can go to). Well that night as I got home, I was thinking about all that happened. I thought, “Ya, I’m not fluent in Portuguese, but I am doing well, and I will be fluent at some point, and I cannot let it get me down or let it drive me into the victim attitude. I need to get out and start pursuing opportunities. I am at the level with Portuguese that I can start pursuing, I can get out and do things on my own. I feel like so much time is wasted throughout the week, I want to make the best of my time here.” I thank you all so much for your prayers about Church for me. It truly is a blessing, and I already feel like a part of that church even with just one visit. God is truly good.

Well as you all probably know, Thanks Giving was last Thursday. It was my first Thanks Giving ever without my family and friends. Well, I got to skype with my family back home which was great. It did honestly make me a little more homesick, and I did really just want to be there right then. That night as I lay in bed journaling before I went to sleep, God laid it on my heart to just start writing down things that I am thankful for. I thought, “I need to be doing what the name of the Holiday actually says to do.” So many time I know that I and so many Americans forget what Thanks Giving is all about. Yes it is a time for good time with family and friends, but even without that, we can celebrate by giving thanks to God who has blessed us with so much! I see how we stray from the true meaning of this Holiday when I see things like “Happy Turkey Day!” writen all over facebook. I mean really, since when in Thanks Giving about turkey? Well, as I was writing the things I am thankful for, I was overwhelmed with how much God has blessed me. He has given me the most amazing family and friends ever, He has given me an opportunity of a life time to live in Brasil for a year, He has given me life and health, and love, and most of all His Son Jesus Christ. He has raised me from death in my sin and given me a new life, and the ability to live that life abundantly. He has given all of this to me for no cost at all. I owe my life, my everything to my God, my Savoir, my Friend, my Comforter, my Strength, my King, my Prince, my Everything.

What are you thankful for? Just think about it…