Highs and Lows and In-Betweens

Where to start, this last week has been full of, well, everything!

Last week, I skipped both Monday and Friday school. I slept in a little more and then hung out/cooked/cleaned/ran errands with Iza. It really was great. I love Iza so much. She has this simplicity about her. She is crazy and fun like my friends back home. And she loves to just listen to me talk about CO and show her photos. So I love skipping school and just hanging with her. I love my friends at school, but honestly, school is so boring! Sometimes we have something exciting going on, but for the most part, school for me consists of sitting and sitting and sitting. I don’t have books, I don’t take tests, I don’t do anything there. Not that exciting… Tomorrow I am also going to skip school, but that is because I am going to a Portuguese class in the morning at 8:30 and believe it or not, I cannot be in two places at once. So, tomorrow, I am free!

Well I’ve had my days recently that were just really crappy. Such as the night of Tuesday the 16th. I tried to make peanut butter cookies again, and they just turned out horrible. That set me off, and then I went into a ragging hormonal frenzy of feeling fat and that I was a worthless cook and that it was all because of Brasil and I needed to just go back home. It was irrational, and frankly, very childish. The next morning was the same, but then in the afternoon I felt a lot better. The week of the 15th was for sure up and down.

That is only the beginning of this roller coaster learning process. Saturday night the 20th untill Tuesday the 23rd was a non-stop test and growth period. 9:30 p.m. Iza arrived at home and we set off together to spend the night at her cousin’s house on the other side of the city. We caught a buss, listened to music and talked about cell phones and other random things until we arrived there 45 minutes later. João, one of Iza’s friends met us there to walk with us to the house. It was pretty close, about one km away. When we arrived I saw the reality of many many many Brazilians. We entered a rusty door plastered against the cement wall, walked up the cement stairs and set our things down in a house that was literally the size of my bed room in my house back in CO. The white walls of the house had cracks and I could see some mold there. There was one queen sized bed (that me and Iza and her two friends slept on) and a small crib for the young son (three people lived in this tinny place!). The kitchen consisted of a tinny TV and boom box, a table the size of my dresser, food cabinets the size my bathroom cabinets back home, a faucet made of BPC pipe that sprayed water everywhere when turned on, and a gas stove. The bathroom was separate and shared with the other “apartments” that were there. It was small and had a toilet in the back and a shower head with the heater inside of it on the ceiling above the middle of the bathroom. There was no separate place to take a shower. It was like a shower with toilet inside; everything got drenched. Furthermore, the stench was horrible and the floor was dirty and slimy. The door was a bunch of planks of wood nailed together. It was hard and very sobering to see how people live with so little, and realize how many people live with even less. But that night was one of the best. I learned how to dance a Brazilian dance and laughed until I cried. They were simple people, living with almost nothing material, but they had a lot of love and laughter. Its something I cannot really describe. Its one of those things you just have to experience. I knew about people who lived like that. But it never registered until I spent one night living their lives. I realize how much I take the things I have for granted. God has blessed me with so much! SO MUCH! I cannot even comprehend it and I am overcome with joy with the thought of it.

Well, when we came back home Sunday afternoon I went to church again with my friends. It was interesting. I had a strange feeling about what was going on. There was some “spiritual” music playing and then people just randomly dancing. The dancing didn’t have any meaning, it was just something to look at while listening. And quite honestly, it wasn’t that great either. But the thing that really disturbed me was how loudly the crowed cheered and clapped after each song. I got the sense of this fake praise. It wasn’t a praise for God, it was a praise for the mediocre (at best) dancers. First of all, they were praising the creation, and praising its non-excellence. Two strikes. During that time I became desperately lonely and homesick. I especially missed my church back home. Everything here is so uncertain, it gets a little old after a while. I just wanted something that I knew was right, I knew was sound and good and I could trust. I consciously thought these exact words, “I don’t belong here, I am not suppose to be here.” As I came home very depressed, I decided to check my email one more time before I went to bed. I saw an email from one of my best friends. It was a short note sharing some thoughts on how he thought God was trying to teach me. He shared a Bible verse with me and then said these exact words, “don’t get discouraged, you are right where you are suppose to be. So live life, and live it abundantly! There is nothing that you can not do or overcome!”. It was totally a God thing, cuz that was the one thing I needed to hear at the point in time. I realized how the Devil had gotten a hold in my heart through my homesickness. But I know that God wants me to be here. I know that I am living in His will and I will not believe the lies of the Devil. Well the next day was still hard. I was again desperately homesick all day. After my friend (the Christian one I go to church with) said some things about CO I just got flat out mad and played the victim. I then partly jokingly (but mostyl seriously) fought with her. I said how I hated how they made fun of CO and didn’t appreciate where I came from, how I hated it when she assumed things about my friends and how she doesn’t know them etc. We were yelling at each other in the middle of class and most everyone was looking at us. After my childish outburst, I just covered my heard with my jacket and sat there. A little while later I pulled my chair up to hers and we actually talked about it. As best as we could at least, with my still not great Portuguese. I explained how lonely I felt and I didn’t appreciate some of the things they had done. And how the Devil had been pulling me down. She reminded me that the Devil has no power over my life, and that I am never alone because God is always with me. She said I should never feel alone again because she was always there for me. I appreciate her so much, even though I have been hurt by her the most. However, she can never understand the kind of loneliness that I experience here. Its not a loneliness because of lack of people. I am always surrounded by people. Its different. It’s a loneliness in culture, in mindset, in life. Their lives are here. What they know and have always known is here. Mine isn’t and that will always separate us somewhat. Well, after another very immature and self-centered day, I prayed a lot, slept well and started new on Tuesday. God has given me a great peace and contentment the last two days. I thank Him so much for that. But I know now that even when I am having those times where I am all alone all I want in the whole wide world is just to go home, God is with me in everything, He has blessed me so much, and I can give thanks in those times because I know through them I will fall more and more in love with my God and Savoir, my Father and Friend, my Comforter and Strength, Jesus Christ.